Ancestry.com Reveals Only Virgin In Family Lineage
WESTWOOD — Your Ancestry.com results revealed Tuesday that you are the only virgin in your family lineage. “Every single one of your direct ancestors were […]
Report: Guy In Your Discussion Section Just Misused “Machiavellian”
WESTWOOD — An anonymous source revealed late Friday afternoon that a guy in your discussion section just confidently described something as “Machiavellian,” when it was, […]
Spineless Pushover Follows Traffic Guidelines
WESTWOOD — A shallow excuse for a man was seen blindly following traffic guidelines Wednesday in the greater Westwood area. “I just don’t want to […]
Enormous Activities Fair Threatened By Prospect Of Humongous Activities Fair
WESTWOOD — UCLA students and organizations alike were alarmed to learn Tuesday of a number of fliers found around campus advertising a “Humongous Activities Fair.” […]
Bruin Bash 2022 To Feature Literal Bashing
WESTWOOD — Amid widespread speculation over which artist will be headlining UCLA’s Bruin Bash, exciting information has come to light: the 2022 edition of the […]
Lack Of Strict Adherence To Move-In Time Now Punishable By Death
WESTWOOD — The UCLA Housing community was rocked by a major policy change Saturday, when students arriving for move-in outside of their designated appointment times […]
Elizabeth II Also Struggling With Unexpected Heat Wave
HELL— Following unusually high temperatures across California this week, word has come in from Balmoral Castle in Scotland today that Queen Elizabeth II is also […]
UCLA Introduces New 3 Bedroom/17 Person Apartments
WESTWOOD — UCLA made waves Saturday with the unveiling of an innovative new housing option: a three-bedroom, seventeen-occupant apartment. “Well, we had to figure out […]
CDC Drops 2nd C From Name
ATLANTA — Following a series of changes to their COVID-19 policies, the C.D.C. has declared that they will be dropping the second “C” from their […]