Ask The Enabler: Does “Bisexual” Mean You Fuck Twice A Week, Or Once Every Two Weeks?
Here at the Westwood Enabler, the closest thing UCLA has to a bisexual awareness club, we’ve been plagued by the following question: does “bisexual” mean […]
I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken
As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]
Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy
BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]
Cinematic: Woman Spends Movie Runtime Drafting Her Letterboxd Review
LOS ANGELES — Last night, one woman decided to unwind with a new movie by spending the entire runtime drafting her Letterboxd review. “I take […]
Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]
Roommate Taking Too Long To Read “Atomic Habits” Explodes
WESTWOOD – A second-year detonated late Monday night after spending eight agonizing months trying to finish James Clear’s “Atomic Habits.” “They bought it Week 0 […]
White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month
WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]
Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager
WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]
Report: Never Trust How You Feel About Your Life From 12AM To 11:59PM
WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA’s Student Anxiety and Depression (SAD) laboratory recommends to never trust anything you think about your life from 12:00 […]
Secretary of Defense Announces That Only The “Boy Lesbians” Will Be Eligible for Future Drafts
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. […]