WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. “If they didn’t want to get strapped and drop into active war zones, those lesbos shouldn’t have cut their hair so damn short,” said Hegseth, who was under the impression that “Butch” was a singular lesbian entity. “We need to get those carpet munchers to be carpet bombers. The boy ones can go play in some sick-ass tanks while the girl ones make me a sandwich.” At press time, Hegseth was informed of he/him lesbians, and started jumping for joy.