New Florida Bill Bans All Classroom Speech
TALLAHASSEE — Florida governor Ron DeSantis signed a bill today banning all speech in public school classrooms, on the grounds that it could contain content […]
New Hank Green TikTok Explains How You Will Die
MISSOULA, MT — Internet personality Hank Green put out another informative TikTok today, in which he revealed the exact time and manner of your demise. […]
Move Over Fjallraven! This Season’s Hottest Accessory Is A Handkerchief Tied To A Stick
PARIS, FRANCE — Paris’ top trend-watchers have announced that everyone’s favorite Swedish backpack is OUT, and a red handkerchief tied to a long crooked branch […]
Downsizing Parents Sell Car, Shoot Dog While You’re Gone
BAKERSFIELD — During your first phone call in weeks, parents Bob and Susan revealed today that they sold your car and shot your dog while […]
Six Celebrities Who Wouldn’t Have A Career If Their Eyes Were Brown
1. Ian Somerhalder In The Vampire Diaries, Damon is the bad boy with blue eyes, and his brother Stefan is the sad boy with brown […]
Students Troubled By Lack Of Old White Men To Vote For In USAC Elections
WESTWOOD — A gamut of candidates have thrown their hats in the ring to get on the USAC payroll, yet some students are left wishing […]
Life Alert Releases Congressional-Grade™ Necklace
WASHINGTON — With a third of their ranks being over 70 years old, Congress took steps today to alleviate age-related concerns by giving each member […]
Tucker Carlson Applies For Job At Daily Bruin
WESTWOOD — Emails leaked this morning revealed that Tucker Carlson has been making pleas for a permanent position at the Daily Bruin. “The woke mob […]
Trend Watch! Places In Los Angeles Everyone Should Projectile Vomit At Least Once
Leaving LA for summer? Or maybe forever? Before you go, use our recs to leave your mark all over Tinsel Town. Here’s every place in […]
Guy Holding Gene Block’s Voodoo Doll Ups Athletics Budget Again
WESTWOOD — Local scalawag and marionette enthusiast Gepetto Johnson, who is the proud owner of Gene Block’s voodoo doll, made it increase the athletics budget […]