Downsizing Parents Sell Car, Shoot Dog While You’re Gone

BAKERSFIELD — During your first phone call in weeks, parents Bob and Susan revealed today that they sold your car and shot your dog while you’ve been away at college. “Sweet little Coco missed you so much that we just had to put her out of her misery,” said Susan, who was putting up a “MUST GO: LIGHTLY USED DOGHOUSE – $20 (NEGOTIABLE)” listing on Facebook marketplace. “Now that Coco’s gone, we finally have the space for that adorable St. Bernard your brother’s always wanted. You’ll even get to share a room with it!” At press time, your parents were complaining about how you don’t visit anymore.