Guy Holding Gene Block’s Voodoo Doll Ups Athletics Budget Again

WESTWOOD — Local scalawag and marionette enthusiast Gepetto Johnson, who is the proud owner of Gene Block’s voodoo doll, made it increase the athletics budget again. “This year, our football team will be partnering with Gucci and wearing an exclusive line of blue and gold snakeskin helmets,” said Johnson, who didn’t allocate any of the money towards women’s sports. “We’re supposed to be the #1 public school in the country, but we can’t be that until we’re #1 in athletics debt as well as academics. Right now, our $102 million in debt looks paltry next to Cal’s $445 million. Unacceptable. Me and Lil’ Gene are gonna put the Bruins back on top.” At press time, Lil’ Gene announced his wish to become a real boy.

About Gillian Smith 50 Articles
Flavius Octavius Julius Gaius Septimius, known colloquially as "Gillian the Great," is the 71st emperor of Rome. Her notable achievements include winning the 2021 Maryland BOGGLE state championship and not being assassinated yet.