White House Establishes Federal Holiday Honoring The Girls Trip Making It Out Of The Group Chat
WASHINGTON DC— President Biden, upon receiving word that Tammy from San Jose booked a vacation with her girlies an hour away to San Francisco, has […]
Fox News Countersues Dominion For Being Big, Fat Meanies
NEW YORK — What does the fox say? Misinformation, apparently. Having paid Dominion Voting $787 million for broadcasting election lies, Fox is now countersuing for […]
Opinion: What If Your Vape Wants to Hit You?
“PASS ME THE VAPE.” “BRUH, LET ME HIT THAT.” “YO CAN I TAKE A HIT?” You may have not said these words, but I’m willing […]
Competitive Parents Disappointed Their Five Year Old Has Never Shot Anyone
NEWPORT NEWS, VA— In light of the recent shooting of a teacher by her six-year-old student, local helicopter parents Bill and Mary Jones were disappointed […]
Frank Ocean Overworked From Coachella Set, Announces Next 7 Year Hiatus
INDIO — After canceling his Coachella Weekend 2 set, Frank Ocean announced that he would be stepping away from the public eye for another 7 […]
Psych Major Offended At Suggestion Of Therapy
WESTWOOD – Although therapy is growing in popularity, a stigma still exists, and third-year psychology major Nellie Robinson is no exception. “Can you believe my […]
If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Illiterate
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Jesus Oversleeps, Says Six More Weeks Until Easter
JERUSALEM — After failing to make an expected appearance on Easter Sunday, Jesus Christ of Nazareth announced this morning that Easter will not happen until […]
Timothée Chalamet Tells The Enabler Why He’s Dating Kylie Jenner
“Life is short, youth is fleeting, death comes for us all.”