Life Alert Releases Congressional-Grade™ Necklace

WASHINGTON — With a third of their ranks being over 70 years old, Congress took steps today to alleviate age-related concerns by giving each member a personal Life Alert device. “It’s springtime in DC, and what better way to celebrate new life than by protecting old ones?” said spokesperson and 89-year-old Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), in the first complete sentence she’s managed since 2014. “We’ve added several handy features, including a light that flashes whenever AOC comes within 100 yards of the wearer. And with the new ‘Capitol Hill’ model, you can even filibuster gun control legislation from the comfort of your own hospice.” At press time, the entire Senate Judiciary Committee had fallen and couldn’t get up.

About Dylan Wood 48 Articles
Dylan Wood is an American actor and filmmaker. He is known for his comedic and dramatic roles in such films as Splash (1984), Big (1988), Turner & Hooch (1989), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Forrest Gump(1994), Apollo 13 (1995), You've Got Mail (1998), Cast Away (2000), Captain Phillips(2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Sully (2016), and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). He has also starred in the Robert Langdon films, and he voices Sheriff Woody in the Toy Story film series. He is one of the most popular and recognizable film stars worldwide, and he is widely regarded as an American cultural icon.