Tucker Carlson Applies For Job At Daily Bruin

WESTWOOD — Emails leaked this morning revealed that Tucker Carlson has been making pleas for a permanent position at the Daily Bruin. “The woke mob attacking UCLA with ideas of ‘systemic racism,’ ‘diversity,’ and ‘paper straws’ needs to be dealt with by someone who’s not afraid to be honest,” said Carlson, who is best known for his radical journalism on M&M politics. “The feminists want to cancel Joe Bruin and replace him with a nonbinary ‘Jo Bruin’ instead. At this rate, how long do you think it’ll be until they force the Starships to use they/them pronouns?” At press time, Carlson claimed his rejection from the Daily Bruin was a result of affirmative action.