First-Year Declines Invitation That Would Have Been Best Night Of Life
WESTWOOD, DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES, LECHUZA BEACH—In a move that she would regret until her dying breath, first-year student Amy Milligan turned down an offer to “hang […]
Rhode Island Re-Classified As Unit Of Measurement
PROVIDENCE, RI—In a conference last Friday, the State Metrics Institute of America (SMIA) announced that Rhode Island would lose its statehood and be re-classified as […]
Bus Driver Oddly Peppy Today
LOS ANGELES—Noting his bright smile, sing-songy voice and otherwise peppy demeanor, passengers on the metro 720 bus remarked that their driver was weirdly friendly today. […]
Academy Not Racist, Has Black Friend
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Following accusations that the 2016 Academy Awards are biased against actors of color, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed […]
Donald Trump Vows To Make Oscars Great Again
NEW YORK CITY—In light of the Academy’s response to controversy surrounding the homogeneity of the actors and films nominated for Oscars, businessman and Republican presidential […]
Man Unsure Where Ironic Self-Loathing Ends And Real Self-Loathing Begins
LOS ANGELES—Local man Tom Deluca confirmed Monday that he is no longer sure where his joking, lighthearted self-loathing ends and his genuine, deeply rooted self-loathing […]
Rieber Smell To Destabilize Region By 2020
WESTWOOD—The UCLA Political Science department released a report Wednesday indicating that unless drastic actions were taken, the smell emanating from between the Rieber and Holly […]
Sasha Obama To Stand On Sister’s Shoulders, Run For President
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sasha Obama announced in a statement Tuesday that she plans to run for President of the United States while perched on the shoulders of […]
Report: All Late Night Curly Fries Traced Back To Single “Mother Fry”
WESTWOOD—In a report issued by the UCLA Center for Sustenance Research, scientists have confirmed that all curly fries from De Neve Late Night are traceable […]
Infant Shocked To Learn Objects Permanent
LOS ANGELES—Stunned and completely speechless, three month-year-old infant Andrew Calvert reported experiencing a deep shift in worldview today following the discovery that objects are permanent. […]