First-Year Declines Invitation That Would Have Been Best Night Of Life

(Credit: Erick Yeh)
(Credit: Erick Yeh)
Milligan (Credit: Erick Yeh)

WESTWOOD, DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES, LECHUZA BEACH—In a move that she would regret until her dying breath, first-year student Amy Milligan turned down an offer to “hang out” from two friends that would have led to the best night of her life Thursday.

“I don’t know, guys, I’m really behind on my readings. Plus, I have a chemistry final next next Monday that I should get a move on studying for,” said Milligan, who would not fondly recall that night for decades to come. “Besides, we just went out last week. I think I’ll stay in.”

“It was a pretty typical night at first. Eric and I went to a party at our friend’s apartment, but we met these really cool guys there who convinced us to leave with them to a bigger party downtown in an UberSelect—I know, these guys were fucking loaded,” said Klaus Fletcher, Milligan’s longtime friend. “Well, it turns out one of the guys’ brothers invented Snapchat and booked the entire Coliseum for a private party.”

According to sources, the party at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum featured performances by Diplo, Drake, Paul McCartney, and the ghosts of the other three Beatles. Fletcher and Eric Martinez reported that they both bonded with Drake, who gave them his personal phone number. Martinez swears that he saw Gordon Ramsay in the crowd, but added that he was on “a lot of drugs, so that could mean anything.”

Meanwhile, Milligan finished a warm glass of milk and an episode of Cupcake Wars before retiring to bed at approximately 11:30 p.m.

“My memory is a little foggy but I remember stumbling upon this deserted beach just as the sun was rising. After about an hour of enjoying the sunrise and each other’s company, twenty or so sea turtles came out of the ocean to lie on the sand. One of them, just a wee babe, rested its head on my shin,” said Fletcher as he wiped a single tear from his eye. “I’ve never felt so connected to the Earth, you know? Life is so beautiful.”

At press time, Milligan could not be reached for comment, as she was busy doing more activities that she would never tell her grandchildren about.

About Melissa Peng 10 Articles
Melissa is an invaluable satirist and talented humor writer with the Enabler who has contributed much material, tangibly and intangibly, to reality, and surreality. Her secrets are hers to keep, I'm not about to start revealing scandalous information in a short bio, not gonna happen!! Why would you even think that? Rude.