WESTWOOD—In a report issued by the UCLA Center for Sustenance Research, scientists have confirmed that all curly fries from De Neve Late Night are traceable back to their earliest ancestor: the so-called “Mother Fry.”
“Through a panel of chemical tests, we have determined with remarkable accuracy that each and every curly fry ingested by patrons at the De Neve dining hall originates from a single fry born in the Jurassic era,” said Steven Nguyen, head researcher of the study.
The study was achieved through collaboration with the staff at the dining hall, who generously lent samples of the fries to the research team. Five hundred fries were ultimately tested, and behind-the-scenes footage of staff members culling fries from a single length of the “Mother Fry” was captured. The footage, though shaky, shows several portions of the “Mother Fry” snaked around beef patties in freezers.
“The Mother Fry has been preserved perfectly through this cryogenic technology that really is ahead of its time,” said Nguyen, who also took care to note that the technology also allowed the dining hall to bypass the traditional limiting factor of expiration dates.
On the taste, Nguyen remarked that the fries “taste way better than how you’d expect an almost two-hundred-million-year-old fry to taste. And the length is remarkable–people over the past millennia have been getting the best bang for their buck.”
“At first I just fixated on the fact that the fries were horrifyingly long. I’d long thought that there was something sinister behind them, that the government had constructed them during the war to end all wars, but this is stunning. Good job, UCLA,” said third-year Marine Biology major and frequent Late Night patron Derek Mann.
The research team had also prepared a timeline of the Mother Fry, tracing its lineage as well as its survival through several epochs and eras of human development.
“Human existence really is just a blink of the eye compared to the fermenting period of the Mother Fry,” said Nguyen.
At press time, Nguyen had also confirmed that the research team had sequenced the Mother Fry’s DNA to preserve its taste and shape “in the event of a catastrophe.”