LOS ANGELES—Stunned and completely speechless, three month-year-old infant Andrew Calvert reported experiencing a deep shift in worldview today following the discovery that objects are permanent. “When I put my toy fire truck into a bin and then knock it over, what appears to emerge is the very same truck,” babbled Calvert, who made the discovery after weeks of research during which he touched various objects that he could feel but not see. “The same holds true for people and milk bottles—though I may not see them, they continue to exist even outside my field of vision. I will never look at people or milk bottles the same again.” Calvert plans to capitalize on the discovery by crawling to his parent’s room in the near future, which he is “pretty certain” still exists.
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