African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water
UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]
Westwood Stores Sell Out Of Useless Shit
WESTWOOD—Charlotte’s Boutique, a store in Westwood, sold out of its entire stock of useless shit, sources confirm. The store, established in 2009, is frequented by […]
Whaling Protesters Amazed By How Tasty Whale Is
TOKYO — Protesters at the Japanese Cultural Cuisine Association’s annual food sampling last Thursday were shocked to learn that the animal they were fighting to […]
Request For Water Cup Denied
HOUSTON—Upon ordering a No. 3 combo meal at a local Wendy’s, area man Greg Myers was shocked when his polite request for “a small cup […]
Study: No One Asked for Daily Bruin’s Opinion
WESTWOOD— In a recently-published study conducted by the University of California’s Data Glossary Analysis Forum (DGAF), 0% of undergraduate students enrolled at the Los Angeles […]
Op-Ed: As Your Diary, I Want You To Know You Disgust Me
Dear Rachel, You’re filthy. The secrets you’ve poured into me send shivers down my spine. I ache for the day a prying friend of yours […]
POINT: We Should Colonize Mars / COUNTERPOINT: Post-Colonial Literature Is Terrible
Point We Should Colonize Mars By: Arthur Von Clarksburg Space is the final frontier. Much has been said about our distant horizon, the great manifest […]
Study: Trigger Warnings Are Totally Gay
ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of intensive research, the International Forum on Trigger Warnings (IFTW) have concluded their work, and have definitively stated that trigger warnings […]
John Wooden Finally Peels Off Bronze Body Paint And Leaves Pauley Pavilion
WESTWOOD—After standing motionless on a pedestal in front of Pauley Pavilion for over three years, legendary basketball coach John Wooden finally removed his bronze body […]
Area Highway Shocked To Find Out It Adopted
CUMBERLAND, MD—In a frantic meltdown this past Wednesday, Interstate 68—which runs through western Maryland—expressed utter disbelief when it found out it was, in fact, adopted […]