Nation Secedes From Texas
WASHINGTON—President Obama this morning signed into law a bill allowing the United States to secede from the state of Texas just days after the legislation […]
How To Show Your Mother You Care
This Mother’s Day, use these helpful tips and tricks to show your mother that you really do care! Mail her breakfast in bed. Eliminate some […]
Student Body Breathes Collective Sigh Of Relief As Last Bruins United Campaigner Leaves Bruin Walk
WESTWOOD—Thirty thousand undergraduates at UCLA suddenly exhaled deeply, releasing a week’s worth of tension, yesterday at 3:10 p.m. when the last remaining campaigner for Bruins […]
Donald Trump Announces Donald Trump As Running Mate
NEW YORK CITY—Donald Trump announced at a rally this morning that, if nominated, which “[he] might as well have been from the very second [he] […]
That’s An Awfully Nice Paper You’ve Got There
You have a wonderful newspaper. Truly, wonderful. I read it every week, and it always brings a smile to my face. You should be very […]
12 Pictures Of Dialysis Machines To Get You Through Midterms
1. So, it’s midterm week. 2. And you may be feeling a little bit overwhelmed… 3. But these adorable artificial kidneys have your back! 4. […]
Unsupervised Group Of Bigots Chalk Campus
WESTWOOD—With no adult supervision present at the time, an anonymous group of bigots worked late into the night to plaster the University of California, Los […]
Clinton Campaign Builds Moat Around Fundraiser
POTOMAC, MD—Again under fire for their lavish fundraisers, Clinton campaign staffers built a moat surrounding a fundraising event at a private residence in Potomac yesterday […]
Panama Papers Something Something Tax Evasion
OFFSHORE—The International Consortium of Investigative Journalists recently released a series of documents called the Panama Papers, which are almost certainly linked to tax evasion somehow. […]
Transgender Man Uses Bathroom, Washes Hands And Leaves
RALEIGH, NC—Transgender man Jim Hornet used a public restroom at a Chili’s in Raleigh this afternoon. “I work at an office supply company, and I […]