Deaf Man Removes Cochlear Implants After Hearing Wife For The First Time
WESTWOOD–Three hours after having a cochlear device surgically implanted, previously deaf man Brandon Holtsmann has decided to remove the implants in order to preserve his […]
Report: You On Fastest Route Possible
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY–According to Google Maps, you are on the fastest route possible despite usual traffic. “We were driving from Westwood to Burbank, and naturally, […]
Area Man Returning from Bad Part of Town Comforted by Sight of Dog Boutique
WESTWOOD — Area man Harold Tuxton exhaled a sigh of relief and calmly unlocked his car doors on Tuesday when he caught sight of “Posh […]
Point: Elderly People Shouldn’t Have To Remove Shoes At TSA Checkpoints/Counterpoint: Elderly People Are The Most Dangerous Because They Have Nothing To Fuckin’ Lose
Point: Elderly People Shouldn’t Have To Remove Shoes At TSA Checkpoints by Bob Simmons Elderly people have served our society, and the aviation industry should […]
High School Friend’s Baby Actually Kind Of Ugly
WESTWOOD–While scrolling through Facebook last Wednesday, fourth-year psychobiology student Sarah Davis noted that her friend from high school’s baby was actually kind of ugly. “I’m […]
Couple Reschedules Fight
WESTWOOD–Local couple Anthony Mullen and Sarah Brown were forced to reschedule their fight, which was set for Tuesday at 8:00 p.m., to a later date […]
Empty Conditioner Bottle Goes Another Week on Shower Shelf
WESTWOOD—After being grabbed, shaken, and put back for the twelfth consecutive shower, an empty bottle of Pantene conditioner has managed to last another week on […]
Student Risks It All, Assumes Summer Job Does Not Require Drug Test
WESTWOOD—In a display of recklessness last Sunday, second year Geography and Environmental Studies major Michaela Watkins risked it all and assumed that her upcoming summer […]
Freshman’s Sex Playlist Just The Weeknd
WESTWOOD—Sources report that freshman Brian Clements has finished up curating his sex playlist consisting solely of songs by popular R&B artist, The Weeknd. “He has […]
Op-Ed: Bruins United Probably Still Going To Win Everything
Well, uh, there was an incident. I mean, it was a thing that happened. With Bruins United. Maybe. It’s really hard to say if there […]