Area Man Can’t Tell If Pain “Burning” Or “Stabbing”
LOS ANGELES—This Tuesday, area man Oliver Howard reportedly had trouble determining if the pain in his lower abdomen was more of a “burning” or “stabbing” […]
Report: Mom Got The Good Cookies This Time
NEW ROCHELLE, NY—Multiple sources have confirmed that Mom just got back from the grocery store and got the good cookies this time. “What? Yeah I […]
Local Sixth Grader Down To Last Two Pieces of Halloween Candy
ORLANDO, FL—After a record breaking five months and four days, local sixth grader Aiden Kelly has finally come down to his last two pieces of […]
Study: Lululemon Attire Also Good For Doing Yoga
WESTWOOD—A new study performed by the UCLA Sports Medicine Center recently confirmed that the popular “athleisure” clothing produced by Lululemon Athletica is also good for […]
UCLA to Eliminate Fraternities to Help Achieve Goal of Zero Waste by 2020
WESTWOOD—UCLA has just announced its plan to progressively eliminate fraternities within three years to help achieve its goal of zero waste by 2020. “It just […]
Report: This D&D Campaign Is Off to a Wild Start
WESTWOOD—Gathered around a pile of spellbooks and props, fourth year Melanie Rodriguez eagerly rolled the dice on a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign. “God, we […]
Op-Ed: I Don’t See Color, I Have a Serious Disability
It’s been all over the news lately – #BlackLivesMatter, #BlueLivesMatter, #WhiteLivesMatterToo. People are arguing left and right that they don’t see color, or that color […]
Student Still Thinks Next Quarter Will Be Better
WESTWOOD — Despite years of experience suggesting otherwise, third year political science major Gianna Palos still thinks next quarter will be better. “I’m really going […]
Student Unsure Which Profession She Wants To Grow To Hate Over Next 40 Years
WESTWOOD—Overwhelmed by the excessive quantity of tedious and inconsequential career paths available to her, biology major Yasmine Adar announced she was unsure what profession she […]
Weak, Lazy Pre-Med Prioritizes Sleep
WESTWOOD–In a statement released last Thursday, second year physiological science major, Jonathan Michaelson, confirmed that he does indeed value sleep more than some academic endeavors. […]