Weak, Lazy Pre-Med Prioritizes Sleep

Michaelson claims he inexplicably “feels better” and is “more productive” after getting enough sleep.

WESTWOOD–In a statement released last Thursday, second year physiological science major, Jonathan Michaelson, confirmed that he does indeed value sleep more than some academic endeavors.

Deviating from the standard procedure of most pre-med students, Michaelson explained that he sometimes goes to bed before he has finished studying for his classes, reviewing for the MCAT, or applying for various leadership positions in one of UCLA’s many prestigious medical clubs.

“I mean, it’s not like I don’t do those things too, I just stop working around 11 most nights so I can get some sleep,” said Michaelson.

“He’s always so energetic and willing to talk during class–I assumed he stayed up studying all night and then had a Red Bull or something so he’d be ready to go,” said Michaelson’s lab partner, Alan Batra, when asked his opinion on Michaelson’s behavior. “When I found out that he actually spent his nights sleeping, I was shocked and appalled. He always seems so put together, but even he has skeletons in his closet. This lifestyle will probably catch up to him in med school. It just isn’t sustainable.”

Michaelson’s classmates have been growing increasingly frustrated at his academic success despite his unusual sleeping habits. Mikayla Chen, a member of Michaelson’s old study group, claimed that she and her friends were “disappointed that someone with priorities as skewed as Jonathan’s can still get good grades at UCLA.”

Adam Lewinsky, another member of the study group, said, “When I see someone like that who gives up as soon as he’s tired and goes to bed, I think he probably decided to be a pre-med just because he watched Grey’s Anatomy and thought it looked like fun. He’s obviously not really invested.”

At press time, Michaelson’s roommates were staging an intervention to help him overcome his sleeping problem.