Freshman Wearing Joy Division Shirt Around Campus Already Getting Laid Like Crazy
WESTWOOD — Incoming first-year Ben Matthews, who has worn his t-shirt of Joy Division’s “Unknown Pleasures” album cover to class an estimated six times already, […]
Apple Announces Plans To Only Play Upbeat Music In Sweatshops
CUPERTINO — This week Apple, in keeping with tradition of ceremonial pomp, held a massive event unveiling their plans to play non-stop pop music for […]
Student At Front Of The Restaurant Line Rolls The Dice With Debit Card
WESTWOOD — Ignoring his misgivings about the possible lack of necessary funds on his debit card, third-year Economics major Andrew Clay, decided to roll the […]
Area Vegan Seriously Injured After Hugging Cactus
BEVERLY HILLS, CA — In an emotionally charged attempt to show his appreciation of vegetation for its nutritional benefits, local vegan Edgar Wilkner tightly embraced […]
Edgy Kid In Philosophy Discussion Insists On Giving Genocidal Rhetoric “A Chance”
WESTWOOD — Starting off the new academic year strong, edgy third-year Jacob Shaw explained to his discussion section why they should all give the genocidal […]
Excited Freshman Loves Learning But At His Own Pace
WESTWOOD – In a conversation with the classmate closest to him in his Sociology 1 discussion, pre-economics major and first-year freshman Steven Coleman revealed that […]
Wait, Did Area Man Just Ask Me Out?
WESTWOOD — Sources are unsure whether area man Eric, just asked me out. We’ve had dinner together multiple times so I didn’t think it was […]
Op-Ed: No One Suffered Like My Ethnic Group
My ethnic group came to this country from a poorer one than yours. I don’t care where you came from; my ancestral country was poorer. […]
Class Clown Hides In Sewers To Tell Jokes
WESTWOOD — UCLA second year and Pennywise wannabe, George Rogers, was found this morning coated in feces, peering through a sewer telling popsicle-stick jokes to […]
Local Nihilist Watches “Rick and Morty”
LOS ANGELES — Citing its sophisticated and nuanced references to Narodnaya literature, local nihilist Evan Sharp is a regular viewer of the Adult Swim cartoon […]