Apple Announces Plans To Only Play Upbeat Music In Sweatshops

CUPERTINO — This week Apple, in keeping with tradition of ceremonial pomp, held a massive event unveiling their plans to play non-stop pop music for their factory workers overseas. “Starting next year, we will require that all our factories only play upbeat pop music over the loudspeakers throughout the entirety of workers’ 10 hour shifts,” company spokesperson Ted Morris announced, displaying a lengthy, self-authored playlist. “We believe that the catchy tunes will blot out the droning clatter of countless machines and conveyor belts. These masterpieces will liven up the atmosphere, chasing away any ideas of suicide or regret in our workers’ minds,” said Morris. He then went on to give a sampling of contemporary greats such as Katy Perry and Taylor Swift, noting how their lyrics would, “resonate with workers on an emotional level.” When asked for further comment, the company said it’s looking into other strategies for the workers’ benefit, such as implementing a mandatory dance routine for exercise.