Freshman Wearing Joy Division Shirt Around Campus Already Getting Laid Like Crazy

WESTWOOD — Incoming first-year Ben Matthews, who has worn his t-shirt of Joy Division’s “Unknown Pleasures” album cover to class an estimated six times already, has reportedly already spent the night with between 15 and 20 different women in his past three weeks here at UCLA. “I had never even heard of it but apparently it’s a band,” one anonymous first-year girl said of the 2005 UK Music Hall of Fame Inductee whose hit song “Love Will Tear Us Apart” has over 62 million listeners on Spotify. “Frankly, when Ben started talking all about how underappreciated ‘Joy Division’ is and how their music really spoke to the dark, poetic parts of his soul, I just couldn’t keep my hands off him.” When approached for a statement, Matthews only noted his great mistrust of “big media, man” and refused to сomment any further.

About Kylie Kinne 15 Articles
Kylie Kinne is a fourth-year physics major from San Antonio, Texas. When she’s not writing satirical news, she enjoys piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.