Seasoned Hydroflask Awarded Purple Heart Sticker
ANNAPOLIS, MD — After recovering from a recent drop onto concrete, a local Hyrdoflask was bestowed the prestigious “Purple Heart” sticker for its heroism and […]
Christian Fraternities Prepare for Surge in Pledges
WESTWOOD — Citing the UCLA Interfraternity Council’s unanimous decision to ban in-house frat parties involving alcohol, UCLA’s Christian fraternities are currently preparing for a massive surge […]
Op-Ed: I May Be Best Buy Employee of the Month, But I’m Far From Perfect
I am no superhuman, I am no deity, I am simply Best Buy’s “Employee of the Month.” You may be thinking, “He has it all. […]
Report: Liberals Fine With Celebrity Billionaire President As Long As They’re Black and Female
LOS ANGELES — After an impassioned speech by Oprah Winfrey at the Golden Globes earlier this month, many liberals were excited at the prospect […]
Report: Kelly Wants You To Sign Up For Dance Marathon
WESTWOOD — According to sources close to her, Kelly, your freshman year roommate’s ex-girlfriend who you talked to once, wants you to sign up for […]
Op-Ed: Great, What Am I Supposed To Do With All This Leftover Rohypnol?
As a member of SAE, I’m pretty disappointed with the recent suspension of fraternity parties, but I’m even more disappointed that my large supply of […]
How To Get That 4.0 This Quarter!
Disappointed with yourself and trying to turn things around? Look no further, we have everything you need to get that 4.0! #1 – Cheat. #2 […]
Promising Economics Student Sadly Drops Out of UCLA
WESTWOOD — On Wednesday, the UCLA community was saddened when prominent economics student Joshua Rosen decided to take leave from the university. “We wish Mr. […]
Roy Moore to Write Explosive Tell-All Book on Election
MOBILE, AL — In the wake of Alabama’s special election, the unsuccessful Republican candidate Roy Moore announced he will be releasing an incendiary tell-all book […]
Bruin Democrats Add Santa Claus To List Of White Supremacists
WESTWOOD — In a club meeting this week, Bruin Democrats at UCLA unanimously agreed to add another name to their list of white supremacists: Santa […]