UCLA Fraternities Apologize For Getting Caught
WESTWOOD–In light of the recent lawsuit filed against UCLA fraternities Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) and Zeta Beta Tau (ZBT) for their mishandling of sexual assault, […]
Ally Would Totally Date Girls If Like, Into That
WESTWOOD — Reports confirm this past Tuesday, Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender (L.G.B.T.) ally Jillian Smith claimed she would totally date girls if she was like, […]
Ruth Bader Ginsburg To Embark On Quest For Immortality
WASHINGTON, D. C. — After learning that President Donald Trump will be appointing another Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg has announced that she will […]
Miss America Pageant to Replace Swimsuit Competition With Naked Mud Wrestle
NEW YORK —The Miss America Organization has reportedly dropped the swimsuit portion of the competition, replacing the category with a WWE-style naked mud wrestle. “We […]
Op-Ed: I Took Ambien And Woke Up At a KKK Rally
As a god-fearing woman, I have never participated in the dangerous activity of binge drinking. My friends would always tell me how much they forgot […]
Area Woman Just Loves Bread
WESTWOOD—During her weekly night out with her three best girlfriends last Thursday, area woman Makenna Donahue proudly proclaimed that she just loves bread. “I was […]
New Sheriff Realizes He In Wrong Town
GREENWOOD, MISSISSIPPI—Upon reporting for duty on his first day at work and proclaiming “there’s a new sheriff in town,” recently-relocated law enforcement officer Darryl Sharpton […]
Report: Your Best Not Good Enough
WESTWOOD — According to a new report corroborated by your collective of friends, family, classmates, and employers, your best is not good enough, refuting previous reports […]
Study: Second-Borns More Likely To Have Older Sibling
WESTWOOD — After observing datasets including thousands of families from a variety of different backgrounds, researchers from the UCLA Department of Sociology have discovered that second-born […]
Study: Vegetables Don’t Eat Themselves
WESTWOOD — A groundbreaking study conducted by the University of California, Los Angeles has concluded that vegetables do not, in fact, eat themselves. “We observed […]