Study: Vegetables Don’t Eat Themselves

WESTWOOD — A groundbreaking study conducted by the University of California, Los Angeles has concluded that vegetables do not, in fact, eat themselves. “We observed a stalk of broccoli for thirteen hours straight, but contrary to speculation, the broccoli exhibited no signs of autocannibalism,” reported head researcher Patricia Williams, adding that the broccoli remained defiant even when promised thirty minutes of cartoons in return for self-consumption. “So until we can drastically reduce the proportions of those monster pills or eradicate the yucky cherry flavor from nutrition supplements, our leafy greens will remain woefully pallid.” At press time, the broccoli could be seen halfheartedly picking at its stems while Williams attempted to hide it in brownie mix.

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