Murmurs & Rants: Fuck Cal
Dear Cal, Fuck you. No, seriously. Fuck you. Who even let you happen? We, the students of every other UC ever, have a list of […]
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Student In Powell Library “Totally Happy” To Watch Stranger’s Stuff
WESTWOOD—Third year biology major Margaret Small confirmed that she is totally happy, in fact “practically leaping out of her seat” at the prospect of having […]
God Sends Only Son To Defuse Situation On Bruinwalk
WESTWOOD—After being alerted to an alarming spell of hate speech taking place outside of Kerckhoff hall today, Our Lord God, Divine Creator of the Universe […]
Satirical Newspaper Publishes Sub-Par Article
INTERNETS—The humor sector was gravely dismayed after an established satirical humorous comedy newspaper released to its trusting, naive readers a story which failed to be […]
I Have A Plan To Bring Girl Scout Cookies To UCLA On A Permanent Basis
Now let’s be clear about a few things first. First of all, what I’m advocating does not necessarily qualify as kidnapping per se. Can some […]
Student Discovers Parents Have Been Paying Friends to Attend Birthday Parties
BRENTWOOD—In a shocking turn of events, student Dominic Downer discovered that his parents really had been paying his friends to attend his birthday parties for […]
Child Discovers e-Books Also Come In Print Form
SEATTLE, WA – While attending a school field trip to the Seattle Public Library Wednesday, Haggerty Elementary 3rd grader Kevin Abernathy was astounded to discover […]
Rain Inspires Record Number Of Amateur Poets
LOS ANGELES—Citing the “motion of palm trees, like lonely children that shiver in the night” as well as the “glimmering pools of heaven’s tears”, a […]
Obama Issues Executive Order To Become Character In Game Of Thrones
NEW YORK—In an unprecedented use of executive authority, Barack Obama has issued an order to be written into the immensely-popular HBO fantasy series Game of […]
The Enabler Asks You: Do you support the proposal to divide California?
As many of our readers may know, a petition to divide California into 6 different states has been gaining momentum over the past several weeks. […]