BRENTWOOD—In a shocking turn of events, student Dominic Downer discovered that his parents really had been paying his friends to attend his birthday parties for the last eighteen years.
“I tried to throw a party for myself, and, y’know, no one came. So I called my mom and dad ‘cause I wanted someone to cheer me up, and when I explained the situation I could practically hear my mom grimace as she said, ‘Sweetie, I have something to tell you…’ And we all know nothing good can follow that sentence,” he said.
“It turns out that ever since I was born, people just thought I was an ugly kid and wouldn’t let their kids associate with me or come to my parties. It also explains how even though no one talked to me at school, everyone and their mothers were my best friends for a day.” It is reported that one year, Downer actually received a kiss from “the hottest girl in the class.” “But my mom was paying her, too.”
“It was pretty disgusting,” the woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, admits. “He tried to shove his tongue down my throat and when I closed my mouth he just pushed his way through and started licking my teeth.” Rumors indicate that he also tried to “cop a feel.”
“We just wanted him to be happy, you know?” sniffles Mrs. Downer. “And he didn’t have friends so can anyone tell me what is wrong, here, with me paying people to celebrate my son’s birthday!?”
Psychologists debate the effects paying children to be your child’s friend may have on your child. Dr. Shavinsky, UCLA professor and noted psychiatrist, offered his opinion, saying, “It can be both good and bad. Good in that your child has a hella rad birthday, but bad in that the next day, what’s left for the child? I’ll tell you: stale birthday cake, presents that were picked out at random by children, and the bitter aftertaste of false hope.”
USC psychologist Dr. D’Quack was also contacted for comment. He states, “There is absolutely nothing wrong in buying things to keep your child happy. Material possessions should have their value emphasized. My son, Beef Wellington, has known it is his money and not his character that has kept his friends around for so long. Frankly, it might even be better that children are exposed to this reality of the world sooner in life rather than later. The longer you hide the truth from a child, the more disturbing reality is when it is revealed. It is the ‘man behind the curtain’ effect, you may even dare to say.”
As of press time, Downer is still looking for cake and presents to fill the gaping hole of friendlessness in his chest.❖