I Have A Plan To Bring Girl Scout Cookies To UCLA On A Permanent Basis

Girl_Scout_in_uniform,_1973_cropNow let’s be clear about a few things first.

First of all, what I’m advocating does not necessarily qualify as kidnapping per se. Can some parallels be drawn to indentured servitude and the like? Sure. Perhaps many who were concerned about the way apprentices were treated in colonial America, for example, would be concerned about the concept I’m about to introduce now. Hey, that’s to be expected. No sweat off my brow. Am I overstepping legal bounds here? Well, that depends on your point of view. Let me just say that I have no intention to harm the scouts in any way. Help them? Yes, why not. Harm? No. Are we clear?

Anyways, here’s how it goes: we gather a group of them together, around 15-20 of them in one room. How we go about doing that I’m leaving up to you. Me, I’d suggest a round of campfire songs. Some sort of “make your own key chain” activity alongside that, perhaps (if that doesn’t work, I wouldn’t put nets out of the picture). We tell their chaperones to wait outside (perhaps with the aid of a professor, reassure them that what were doing amounts to a purely educational, totally legal team-building activity). Then we offer them a deal: either they work for us, or they never get to see their families again.

Yes, yes, ok, so that would entail kidnapping, but mind you, here it’s simply the implied threat of kidnapping, not necessarily the act. They’d still be able to go home at the end of the day. Our lawyers can smooth it over, in any case.

But I digress. So back to the plan: we keep them around campus for the rest of the year, give them some space to roam freely. Some will hit up the north side on week days, others Westwood Village, a few others will constantly be patrolling the Hill, keeping an eye out for any stragglers looking for a chocolatey fix. We get them to push their product—hard. Show them how to be tough—how to take no bullshit from anybody (are switchblades permitted in the Girl Scout code? Should look that up later). And we’ll be fair about it too: we’ll take a 20% cut, no more, no less. Their unit gets to keep the remainder. Our cut gets donated to the school. It’s a win-win-win.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “how is taking the kids going to help us? Don’t they need supplies? A steady stream of product to push?” well this doesn’t simply amount to stealing kids! No, it’s those connections we’re talking about. Those connections are what we’re looking for, and there isn’t anybody more connected, more hooked up to the goods than the girl scouts themselves. We’re talking year round goods, straight from the source.

Plus it’ll take hardly any effort on our part. Maybe we’ll have to push them around a bit when they get out of line, tear some badges up, stomp out any rats, but for the most part, they’ll be able to police themselves. A hierarchy is what I’m talking about. If they start to prove themselves, the more kiss-ass kids will be put higher on the pecking order. Simple. The competition might be tough on some, but ultimately it’s for a good cause.

Just think of all the events we could fund—more frequent performances, special lectures, new intramural sports, clubs, visiting professors. We’ll be rolling in the extracurricular diversity! Students get their cookies, USAC gets it’s funding, and if all goes well, hardly anybody gets hurt. And I think that’s something we can all root for, no?

Jan Duncan is a third year Political Science major. Her schemes have earned her praise from the National Society of Plotters and has been featured as a rising star in Swindler’s Monthly.

About Luke Moran 70 Articles
Dank, fam

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