SEATTLE, WA – While attending a school field trip to the Seattle Public Library Wednesday, Haggerty Elementary 3rd grader Kevin Abernathy was astounded to discover that e-books – digital publications read on electronic devices – are also published in print. “The moment I set eyes on that paperback copy of The Holy Bible, my jaw dropped,” said the 8-year old Abernathy. “I never would’ve imagined that someone would actually take the time to adapt e-books to print.”
A self-described “avid reader”, Abernathy told reporters that, despite his discovery, he does not foresee himself or other readers switching mediums anytime soon. “I just don’t think these paper e-books are going to catch on. They seem like a step backwards,” said Abernathy. “Compared to e-books, they’re less portable, they’re worse for the environment, and they don’t have the most user-friendly interface. I wasted a good 45 minutes trying to find a button to push to turn the page. Turns out, there isn’t one, but I nor anyone else would ever know that because none of these stupid things comes with instructions.” When asked how he eventually did figure out how to turn the page, Abernathy cited a “menopausal, hot-flash stricken librarian” and a “merciful, well-placed gust of library AC”.
Expounding further on his belief that “paper e-books” will ultimately not prove successful, Abernathy added, “Paper e-books lack a lot of the features that come standard with regular e-readers: features like bookmarking. An e-reader automatically opens up to the page you left off on, but with a paper e-book, you have to ‘dog-ear’ the page to save your spot. If I wanted to spend all this time folding paper, I wouldn’t have retired from competitive origami.”
Practicality is not the only way in which Abernathy finds the e-book medium to be superior. To him, e-books and e-readers are more inviting and sentimental as well. “Paper e-books may possess the same content as normal e-books, but they lack that special something, you know? When I’m reading, nothing compares to that cold rigid lifeless feel of the e-reader buttons beneath my fingers, and I can’t get enough of that comforting metallic old-Kindle smell. e-Books are just designed to make you feel all fuzzy inside. I mean, what could be more intimate than an LCD screen?”
After reading through post-visit satisfaction surveys filled out by Haggerty Elementary students, the Seattle Public Library is considering switching completely to digital. Propositions for a single-book e-reader checkout system have been made as have plans to convert the library into an apocalypse bunker for when humanity inevitably falls in the near future.❖