Op-Ed: Every Morning I Wake Up And Go To War
What are you doing at 4:00 in the morning? Most of UCLA is either asleep, hungover like degenerate civilians, or having sex without giving a […]
slider
Gene Block Mentioned 26 Times In Mueller Report For Some Reason
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s final report on his team’s investigation into potential links between the Trump campaign and Moscow was made public […]
Ted Lieu Voted Sexiest Man Alive By Bruin Democrats
WESTWOOD — At the club’s most recent policy meeting, members of Bruin Democrats unanimously voted California Representative Ted Lieu the “sexiest man alive,” the group’s […]
Arby’s Always An Option, Reports Area Dad
BAKERSFIELD — Glancing at the “Food: Exit 25” sign on the side of CA State Route 99, area father and Carlson family patriarch Neal Carlson reminded his […]
LGBTQ Center’s Free Printing Jeopardizes Straight Man’s Heterosexual Reputation
WESTWOOD — Red Bull Campus Ambassador Colin Greene was seen lingering an appropriate fifteen feet outside of the UCLA LGBTQ Center, contemplating whether he should enter the […]
Report: Cool Kids Smoke Cigarettes Again?
WESTWOOD — After nearly 60 years of steadily declining cigarette usage in the United States, a a study conducted by the UCLA Department of Sociology has confirmed […]
Breaking: Professor Enters Classroom With Saxophone
WESTWOOD, 10:07 a.m. — Westwood Enabler reporters have obtained disturbing reports from campus administration that a professor has entered the Boelter Hall amphitheatre with a […]
TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students
WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be a woman in STEM these […]
Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba
LOS ANGELES — The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area woman Janine Ordonez. […]
Woman Unsure If Working Out An Act of Self-Love or Self-Hate
DENVER — Considering her many different emotions regarding working out, area woman Colleen Simpson stated that she was unsure whether she thinks of exercising as an […]