Student Picks Up Daily Bruin To Seem Informed
WESTWOOD—Crowds gathered in what was later described as “reverent awe” when Lisa Myers, first-year biology student, picked up a copy of the Daily Bruin as if […]
News in Briefs
Social Disaster Barely Scraped Together By Quality Salsa
WESTWOOD—In what onlookers described as a “harrowingly dull” floor event, near catastrophe struck the third floor of Gardenia Hall Thursday night when host Shawn Molina avoided […]
Child of Divorce Gets All The Cool Shit, Peers Say
CLEVELAND, OH—Citing his endless supply of expensive gifts including long distance RC helicopters and a mini TV, peers of Anthony Morega, a second grader at […]
Cultured Man Likes Shakespeare On Facebook
WESTWOOD—Local cultural elite Arthur Chesterfield was reported to have liked William Shakespeare’s page on Facebook earlier today. “I just really think the English canon would […]
Unsupervised Group Of Bigots Chalk Campus
WESTWOOD—With no adult supervision present at the time, an anonymous group of bigots worked late into the night to plaster the University of California, Los […]
Transgender Man Uses Bathroom, Washes Hands And Leaves
RALEIGH, NC—Transgender man Jim Hornet used a public restroom at a Chili’s in Raleigh this afternoon. “I work at an office supply company, and I […]
Study: Water Best Served Lukewarm
NEW YORK – A recent analytical study performed by New York University has revealed that water is best served at the body temperature of your […]
African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water
UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]
Whaling Protesters Amazed By How Tasty Whale Is
TOKYO — Protesters at the Japanese Cultural Cuisine Association’s annual food sampling last Thursday were shocked to learn that the animal they were fighting to […]
Area Highway Shocked To Find Out It Adopted
CUMBERLAND, MD—In a frantic meltdown this past Wednesday, Interstate 68—which runs through western Maryland—expressed utter disbelief when it found out it was, in fact, adopted […]