Nation’s Forks Feeling Overworked
WASHINGTON D.C.—Citing the vast overuse of their bodies for eating various foods, the nation’s forks are declaring a national crisis. “Frankly speaking, we’re just too […]
News in Briefs
Sadness And Loneliness Are Just Social Constructs, Says Man Lying On The Floor
SANTA MONICA, CA—Lying curled in a fetal position upon the floor of his kitchen, area man Andrew Pacheco repeatedly declared sadness […]
Student Activist Being Treated At Ronald Reagan Following Exposure To Differing Opinion
WESTWOOD — EMTs rushed second-year sociology major and student activist Emma Schwartz to UCLA’s Ronald Reagan Medical Center following her collapse midway through a heated […]
Elusive UCLA_WIFI_RES Added To Orientation Scavenger Hunt
WESTWOOD — UCLA New Student & Transition Programs (NSTP) announced that they will be adding the notoriously elusive campus wireless network UCLA_WIFI_RES to “Carpe Noctem,” […]
UCLA Sanitation to Powell Bathroom Patrons: “Just Go Hog Wild”
WESTWOOD — UCLA Sanitation told the patrons of the Powell Library restroom to “just go hog wild” in a letter posted Monday morning. “Our facilities […]
Nice Professor Allows Quiet Sobbing In Class
WESTWOOD – Receiving enormous praise for her kindness and understanding, Rachel Irwin, Professor of Economics, generously allows students to sob quietly during class. “I’ve never […]
Unclear How Many Layers Of Irony Guy Wearing Che Guevara Shirt Is Going For
WESTWOOD – Reporting feelings of great confusion, sources have stated that it is unclear how many layers of irony UCLA student James Kaplan, who recently […]
Student Unclear On How 20% Curved To B But They’re Rollin’ With It
WESTWOOD— First year student Steven Bork recently received the results for his first Physics midterm. Bork recalled “fighting back tears” and feeling as though he […]
Julian Assange Gets A Timeout
LONDON—During this week’s U.S. Presidential Debate, Julian Assange, WikiLeaks editor-in-chief, was put on time out. “Assange has been a very naughty naughty boy these past […]
App Downloads Man
WESTWOOD—After reading several positive reviews last Thursday, Facebook Mobile downloaded a twenty-two year old man named Tom Sidney. “With Sidney, it’s like I have my […]