WASHINGTON D.C.—Citing the vast overuse of their bodies for eating various foods, the nation’s forks are declaring a national crisis. “Frankly speaking, we’re just too damn tuckered out,” Trip Prong, national spokesman for United Forks said this morning. “Look, forks used to be for stabbing things that couldn’t be scooped up. That was it. Pastas, sausages, fried vegetables, you know? But lately, people have been using us for goddamn everything. Rice, mashed potatoes, even soup for crying out loud!” Some notoriously lazy individuals have even been using the blunt edge of the fork to cut their meat. “We’re calling a fork strike until people learn how to use the proper cutlery for the proper eating tasks,” Prong said. At press time, the rally was interrupted by the use of some forks to clean a few local toenails.
