UCLA to Eliminate Fraternities to Help Achieve Goal of Zero Waste by 2020
WESTWOOD—UCLA has just announced its plan to progressively eliminate fraternities within three years to help achieve its goal of zero waste by 2020. “It just […]
News in Briefs
Local Homeless Man Now Takes Venmo
WESTWOOD—Local homeless man Rusty, on the corner of Westwood and Weyburn, has announced that he will now be accepting donations through the Venmo application. “People […]
Screaming Customer Inspires Cashier to Be Better
WESTWOOD–Sources confirm that an altercation with an infuriated customer inspired local retail worker Rachel Jefferson to be better. “It was an overwhelming personal experience, and […]
TA Thanks Students For Coming To Discussion As If They Had Fucking Choice
WESTWOOD—Sources at the University of California, Los Angeles confirmed that History of Modern Freeways teaching assistant and PhD student Caroline Gates thanked her students for […]
Local Weirdo’s Favorite Muppet Isn’t Beaker
WESTWOOD–Sources have recently confirmed that the favorite Muppet of Ian O’Neill, a local weirdo, isn’t Beaker. “Beaker’s alright, but no way is he my favorite,” […]
Study: Average Person Takes At Least Three Months To Get Over Failed Relationship, Debbie, You Bitch
WESTWOOD–A new study conducted at UCLA has found that the average person takes at least three months to get over a failed relationship, Debbie, you […]
Mostly-Full Water Bottles Neglected in Prime Of Lives At Airport Security
LOS ANGELES–On its way to Chicago O’Hare, a sixteen-ounce bottle of Dasani purified water was abandoned by its owner outside LAX airport security. The water […]
Local Man Mediocre Artist Despite Unhappy Childhood
WESTWOOD–Despite having an unhappy childhood, local man Stephen Hopkins, 34, is still a mediocre artist. “My parents and I moved around a lot, never really […]
Struggling Club On Bruinwalk Starting To Sympathize With Homophobic Preacher
WESTWOOD–After only selling three potato balls in one hour, an unnamed club offering Porto’s baked goods on Bruinwalk has begun to sympathize with the homophobe […]
TA’s Personal Fridge Full Of Strangled Pets
WESTWOOD—After an anonymous student reported a brutalized parakeet toppling out of the fridge during office hours, UCPD discovered nearly a dozen strangled pets from a […]