REPORT: All The People Alive Are Out There Right Now
WASHINGTON, DC — According to a new report from the CIA, everyone currently alive has been confirmed to be out there right now, right this […]
Articles by Melissa Beining
Point: That’s A Cute Shirt / Counterpoint: Not With Your Boobs
P: That’s a cute shirt. By: Melissa Beining It’s everywhere. It follows. It can’t be categorized, yet it’s instantly recognizable. It’s inexplicable—yet, undeniable, too. Every […]
Student Requesting Extension Types Transcript of Recent Therapy Session In Email
WESTWOOD — Third-year political science major Jeffrey Trabor included the transcript of his recent therapy session in an email to his TA requesting an extension. […]
Oops, Grandma Ate A Plastic Egg And Now We’re Praying For A Second Resurrection
USC MEDICAL CENTER — Bringing a tragic end to a day of religious festivities, Grandma ate a plastic egg, and now we’re asking God in […]
Syllabus Says 95% Of Grade Determined By How Smart You Sound Introducing Self To Class
WESTWOOD — Most students in Professor McDugal’s course on negotiation were horrified to learn that 95% of their grade would be determined by how smart […]
Gen Z Ultrasound Assistant Groans Every Time Baby Going To Be A Gemini
LOS ANGELES — Twenty-three year old perinatal assistant Jessica Fieldman groans every time an ultrasound predicts the baby will be a Gemini. “I just can’t […]
UCLA Confesses Most Philosophy Professors Have Several Hundred Page Manifesto
WESTWOOD — Amid a push for increased transparency with the student body, UCLA has confessed that almost all of their philosophy professors have several hundred […]
Rihanna Teases Lullaby Album She Will Release On Baby’s Sixth Birthday
NEW YORK — Rihanna announced her pregnancy with ASAP Rocky this week, as well as plans for a lullaby album, though the release date is […]
Seven Deadly Sins Revised To Include Not Refilling The Brita
VATICAN CITY — The Holy Roman Catholic Church announced on Tuesday that the Seven Deadly Sins will be revised to include Not Refilling the Brita. […]
CCLE To Be Publicly Executed
WESTWOOD — After years of complaints from staff and students, Gene Block announced that he will personally execute the CCLE course management system. “A few […]