WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the cuts suddenly caused a 100% drop in antisemitic hate crimes, as well as a 100% increase in people getting cancer. “I did think it was weird that all those cancer cells were waving tiny little swastikas,” reported recently-fired lab worker Zoe Prouty, whose canceled lab studied saving puppies with cancer from wildfires. “I’m just glad Trump stopped this school before the Nazi puppy cancer could break out into the wider world. Hopefully he goes after our other evil labs next. You know our labs manufacture weapons for Israel?” At press time, newly-broke research labs had begun using the biodegradable Ackerman knives to perform dissections.
