Poli-Sci Major Excommunicated For Playing Devil’s Advocate At Baptism
RANCHO CUCAMONGA — Third-year political science major Brendan O’Neill’s hopes of becoming a Godfather came crashing down last Sunday, when he was forcibly removed from […]
Politics
2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022
2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]
Woke Guy Prefaces Oral Sex With Acknowledgement We Are On Indigenous Land
WESTWOOD — On Friday evening, local ‘woke’ man and third-year global studies major Jack Stoop prefaced oral sex with an acknowledgement that we are on […]
Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President
WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]
Congress Declares Nuclear War On Climate Change
WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented bipartisan move, both the Senate and the House of Representatives unanimously voted Wednesday in favor of declaring nuclear war against […]
Report: Jackhammers In Westwood Only Work Between 4 A.M. And 8 A.M.
WESTWOOD — A new study from the Los Angeles Public Works Department found that jackhammers in the Westwood neighborhood can only operate in the wee […]
Cancel Culture Gone Too Far? LMFAO Forced To Apologize For Party Rockin’
LOS ANGELES — In what some are decrying as “cancel culture run amok,” electronic dance music duo LMFAO is being called on by critics to […]
Reagan Medical Center To Offer Free Antidepressants To Happy Students In Hopes Of Trickle Down Effect
WESTWOOD — Ronald Reagan Medical Center will give antidepressants to happy students in hopes of wellness “trickling down” to their depressed counterparts. “Guided by the […]
Thanksgiving Renamed To White Thursday
WASHINGTON — In the spirit of color coordination and honoring our colonial past, the White House has announced that Thanksgiving will be renamed White Thursday. […]
“It’s Giving: Thanks,” And Other Hip Phrases To Win Over Your 13-Year-Old Cousin At Thanksgiving
It’s almost time for Thanksgiving, which means a well-deserved respite from the quarter system: going home, eating delicious food, and reflecting on the plethora of […]