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Politics

Opinion: I Listened To The Daily Once, And Now I Am Omniscient

June 7, 2023 Eric Rousso 0

Greetings, lesser one. It is I, your neighbor in POLSCI 30, here to inform you of my recent endeavors in the political sphere. Last night, […]

Republicans Propose “No Child Left Unshot” Plan

May 23, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

WASHINGTON D.C. — Seeking to expand on the “No Child Left Behind” educational program, Senate Republicans have rolled out “No Child Left Unshot.” “We think […]

New Florida Bill Bans All Classroom Speech

May 16, 2023 Maya Chatrathi 0

TALLAHASSEE — Florida governor Ron DeSantis signed a bill today banning all speech in public school classrooms, on the grounds that it could contain content […]

Students Troubled By Lack Of Old White Men To Vote For In USAC Elections

May 9, 2023 Matthew Graves 0

WESTWOOD — A gamut of candidates have thrown their hats in the ring to get on the USAC payroll, yet some students are left wishing […]

Life Alert Releases Congressional-Grade™ Necklace

May 8, 2023 Dylan Wood 0

WASHINGTON — With a third of their ranks being over 70 years old, Congress took steps today to alleviate age-related concerns by giving each member […]

Tucker Carlson Applies For Job At Daily Bruin

May 4, 2023 Sabrina Ellis 0

WESTWOOD — Emails leaked this morning revealed that Tucker Carlson has been making pleas for a permanent position at the Daily Bruin. “The woke mob […]

White House Establishes Federal Holiday Honoring The Girls Trip Making It Out Of The Group Chat

April 28, 2023 Dana Badii 0

WASHINGTON DC— President Biden, upon receiving word that Tammy from San Jose booked a vacation with her girlies an hour away to San Francisco, has […]

Fox News Countersues Dominion For Being Big, Fat Meanies

April 27, 2023 Josh Dittrich 0

NEW YORK — What does the fox say? Misinformation, apparently. Having paid Dominion Voting $787 million for broadcasting election lies, Fox is now countersuing for […]

Competitive Parents Disappointed Their Five Year Old Has Never Shot Anyone

April 24, 2023 Jade Lacy 0

NEWPORT NEWS, VA— In light of the recent shooting of a teacher by her six-year-old student, local helicopter parents Bill and Mary Jones were disappointed […]

Opinion: Science Is Fake! The Same Water That “Carved The Grand Canyon” Can’t Flush My Poop Down This Toilet

March 27, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

We’ve all sat through the same boring eighth grade science class where they teach you about “erosion.” They say water flowed through some rocks and […]

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