Prince Harry Apologizes For Accidentally Publishing Dream Diary
SANTA BARBARA — Prince Harry held a press conference outside of his estate this morning to clarify his remarks in his new memoir, “Spare.” “I […]
Politics
Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem
WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]
UCLA’s Final Offer: Replace All TAs With This Cute Widdle Guy
WESTWOOD — In a bold move, UCLA officials have announced plans to fire all teaching assistants and replace them with Mr. Pudding. “We are always […]
Ackerman Smoothie Robot Also Striking
ACKERMAN STUDENT UNION — In a unanimous vote, the Ackerman Beverage Kiosk Robotic Arm Union solidified plans for a strike. “I will bring UCLA to […]
Joe Biden Announces Nationwide Slut Era As Birth Rates Fall
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a historic decline in the American national birth rate, President Joe Biden has called for a nationwide Slut Era. […]
Uncle’s Rant At Thanksgiving Dinner Receives Lo-Fi Hip Hop Remix
LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]
Opinion: USC Students Are Dumb Poopyheads
People make many arguments as to why UCLA is better than USC, or vice versa. Some people say UCLA has a higher academic ranking. Others […]
Despondent Dr. Oz Seen Wandering Crudité Aisle In Fugue State
BETHLEHEM, PA — Television personality and professional charlatan Dr. Oz was spotted recently wandering the crudité section of a Wegmans grocery store in an aimless […]
Opinion: Midterm Exams This, Midterm Elections That, I Just Wanna Grill For Godsakes!
Every so often the two most mid (as the kids say) things alive, exams and elections, somehow line up in November. People start freaking out […]