POINT: We Should Colonize Mars / COUNTERPOINT: Post-Colonial Literature Is Terrible
Point We Should Colonize Mars By: Arthur Von Clarksburg Space is the final frontier. Much has been said about our distant horizon, the great manifest […]
satire
Study: Trigger Warnings Are Totally Gay
ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of intensive research, the International Forum on Trigger Warnings (IFTW) have concluded their work, and have definitively stated that trigger warnings […]
John Wooden Finally Peels Off Bronze Body Paint And Leaves Pauley Pavilion
WESTWOOD—After standing motionless on a pedestal in front of Pauley Pavilion for over three years, legendary basketball coach John Wooden finally removed his bronze body […]
Academy Not Racist, Has Black Friend
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Following accusations that the 2016 Academy Awards are biased against actors of color, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed […]
Man Unsure Where Ironic Self-Loathing Ends And Real Self-Loathing Begins
LOS ANGELES—Local man Tom Deluca confirmed Monday that he is no longer sure where his joking, lighthearted self-loathing ends and his genuine, deeply rooted self-loathing […]
Study: 78% Of People Don’t Realize How Miserable They Should Be
WESTWOOD — A team of sociologists from UCLA, working in conjunction with distinguished scholars from the University of Washington and Saint Mary’s College, have concluded […]
English Major Definitely Writing The Great American Novel
WESTWOOD — First-year English student Henry Bellows is definitely working on the Great American novel, sources close to him reported. “Oh yeah, he totally is,” […]
Op-Ed: Why Is Everyone So Mean To Me?
People of America, I have a message for you all. Stop being big fat meanie jerkfaces! It’s not fair! It was my turn to be […]
Murderer Murdered In Prison, Never Repeats Offense
SAN QUENTIN, CA — Danny Feroz, a notorious California hitman convicted of 12 homicides, was stabbed to death in the cafeteria of San Quentin State […]
Pita Chips Just An Excuse To Eat 7 Oz Of Hummus
LOS ANGELES — Local woman Evita Jacobs confirmed last Friday that the bag of pita chips she had purchased was just an excuse to eat […]