Main Character Energy? This Girl In Your Class Refuses to Shut Up
SCAND 50 — On Tuesday, excited freshman Lola Laurens readily responded to every statement made by her professor. “Mother and Father say I have to […]
satire
“It Rhymes with Schmivorce” And Four Other Ways To Break The News To Your Kids
It’s never easy to tell your kids that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. Between the tears, the pleas for reconciliation, and a lawsuit […]
Student Offered $1 Million Grant After Sending Professor The Perfect Email
WESTWOOD — Sophomore biology student, Cindy Sheraton, is celebrating the opportunity of a lifetime after receiving the William F. Buckley Memorial Prize for an exceptional […]
Archaeologists Discover First Woman To Ever Put “Future Milf” In Her Tinder Bio
WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA archaeologists announced Monday that, after years of digging, they have uncovered the first woman to ever write “future milf” […]
Generational Trauma? Mom Looks Kind Of Sad
HOME — Your mother was seen looking sad on Monday evening, leading family members to believe she was suffering from the impact of generational trauma. […]
BREAKING: There Are Bugs Under Your Skin
WESTWOOD — The voices were right, there are bugs under your skin. “The colony of ants under your epidermis has been ignored for far too […]
Lewis And Clark Vibes? Your Comedy Club Completed A Half-Mile Hike
FRAZIER PARK, CA — Despite the rough terrain and inappropriate footwear, your comedy club completed a half-mile hike Saturday afternoon. “Like Lewis and Clark, we […]
‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank
NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]
Report: Judge Who Struck Down Mask Mandate Has A Great Smile
TAMPA — Reporters on the scene at Florida’s Middle District Federal court, where Judge Kathryn Kimball Mizelle recently struck down the mask mandate for public […]
Gene Block Opens New Filing Place For Student Petitions
WESTWOOD — Campus is at a complete standstill as news travels of the newest student-curated petition accomplishing nothing. “When will these dumb fuckin’ kids learn?” […]