‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank
NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]
News
Students, Viruses Enjoy Return to Campus
WESTWOOD — The UCLA community, and the UCLA virus community lying dormant in students’ bloodstreams, began its return to campus this week with excitement. “It […]
Gene Block Sees Shadow, 6 More Weeks Of Online School
WESTWOOD— Yesterday morning, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block emerged out of his burrow and saw his own shadow, thus dooming UCLA students to six more weeks […]
Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President
WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]
Heroes: Feminist Frat Bros Annoyed But Respectful Of Your Decision Not To Hook Up With Them Right Now
FRAT ROW — Multiple eyewitness accounts came in last Thursday outside of Chi Alpha Theta regarding the romantic events of the thriving party inside. “Yeah, […]
Weird! All Covid Spit Tests Sent Directly To Gene Block’s Office
WESTWOOD — Hundreds of boxes of COVID vending machine spit tests — some opened — have been discovered in Chancellor Gene Block’s office. “As Chancellor, […]
You Win Some, You Lose Some: The Dog That Was Elected Mayor Of A Small Town Was Just Pancaked By A Cement Mixer
HUCKLEBERRY GROVE, KY — Amid the drama of last year’s election, the people of Huckleberry Grove made headlines across the nation when they elected a […]
Opinion: Masks Make It Impossible to Hear My Professor, Also Being Asleep
On the first day of fall quarter, I walked into class five to forty minutes late and saw a sea of masks — blue, black, […]
Democrats Negotiate Stimulus Checks Down To $10 Starbucks Gift Card
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, Senate Democrats announced that the long-awaited stimulus checks will take the form of a $10 Starbucks […]
Australian Fire Update
In lieu of impending ecological collapse, UCLA continues to closely monitor the New South Wales Bushfires in accordance with the Australian government. There are currently […]