Success! Jesus Didn’t Cry On His Birthday This Year
HEAVEN — The heavens rejoiced yesterday as Jesus made it through his birthday without crying. “There’s just so much pressure to have a good day, […]
Religion
ROTC Students Drafted For The War On Christmas
WESTWOOD — UCLA ROTC students were dismayed to learn yesterday that recent developments in the war on Christmas meant they would have to leave their […]
Uncle’s Rant At Thanksgiving Dinner Receives Lo-Fi Hip Hop Remix
LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]
Pope Says Blood Of Christ Should Go Through Brita
VATICAN CITY — Word has come down today from Pope Francis that all Catholics should be filtering the Blood of Christ through a Brita before […]
UCLA Celebrates Yom Kippur With Traditional Bacon Buffet
WESTWOOD — The most solemn holiday of the Jewish year began at sundown on Tuesday, and UCLA knows just how to celebrate! “A lot of […]
In-N-Out Burger To Replace Bible Verses On Wrappers With Shakespearean Insults
IRVINE — Billionaire owner and president of In-N-Out Burger, Lynsi Snyder, announced last Thursday that the wholesome Bible verses on their packaging will soon be […]
God Tried For Crimes Against Humanity
THE HAGUE — On Monday morning, the International Criminal Court began its trial of God for His lengthy history of crimes against humanity. God is […]
Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Had a Balayage
VATICAN CITY — On Monday morning, the world’s leading religious scholars announced that Jesus actually had a balayage, contrary to their earlier reports that he […]
Pinocchio Discovers Real World, No Longer Wants To Be Real Boy
TUSCANY — Pinocchio, despite his lifelong wish to become a real boy, has announced he rescinds his statement and would like to become a wooden […]
Tell Us Your Zodiac Sign And We’ll Tell You What Tragedy Happened To Your Mom’s Acquaintance Today
Ring, ring, your mom is calling! Is she just saying hi? Or has something terrible happened to someone that you may or may not remember? […]