Student Becomes Disability Rights Advocate After His Midterms Shift To In-Person
WESTWOOD — A tireless new advocate for disability rights has emerged at UCLA in the form of fourth-year Jordan Jortson, who recently found out his […]
Science
Uh Oh! The Mormons Won The Religion Lottery And Everyone Else Is Getting Waterboarded By Satan
SALT LAKE CITY — Making His first public appearance in millennia, God announced Sunday that the Mormons had won the religion lottery for eternal bliss, […]
Report: Daily Symptom Screening Questionnaire Just Asked For Your Cup Size?
WESTWOOD — This morning, while you were filling out the daily symptom screening questionnaire, it asked you for your cup size. “We know it can […]
2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022
2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]
5’8” Men Now Listing “One Tom Holland” As Height On Tinder
LOS ANGELES — Following the release of “Spiderman: No Way Home,” data scientists at Tinder report that men who are 5’8” are now changing their […]
Online Professor Requests Students “Smash That Like Button, Comment, And Subscribe”
WESTWOOD — In the wake of instructor surveys, online professors have begun to request that students smash that like button, comment on the discussion board, […]
Weird! All Covid Spit Tests Sent Directly To Gene Block’s Office
WESTWOOD — Hundreds of boxes of COVID vending machine spit tests — some opened — have been discovered in Chancellor Gene Block’s office. “As Chancellor, […]
Reagan Medical Center To Offer Free Antidepressants To Happy Students In Hopes Of Trickle Down Effect
WESTWOOD — Ronald Reagan Medical Center will give antidepressants to happy students in hopes of wellness “trickling down” to their depressed counterparts. “Guided by the […]
Report: Male Pattern Baldness Also Extends To Pubes
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — A recent report found that 70% of balding men also reported hair loss in the pubic region. “For a lot of us, […]
Impossible Foods Announces New Plant-Based Bananas
SAN FRANCISCO — Following the success of their Impossible Burger, vegan foodstuff maker Impossible Foods, Inc. announced Thursday a new line of 100% plant-based bananas. […]