Op-Ed: Our Carbon Footprints Aren’t As Big As Our Carbon Assprints
To preface this argument, I would just like to acknowledge that I care about society a lot. I do think that the climate is changing […]
Science
Anthony Fauci Last Horcrux Needed To Destroy COVID-19
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill […]
Tough Professor Considers 90% Efficacy of COVID Vaccine a B+
WESTWOOD — Dr. Andrew Krossco took a bold stance against grade inflation on Monday when he reiterated his rule that the vaccine effectiveness cutoff for […]
Daddy LongLegs Divorces Mommy LongLegs
ITSY BITSY WEB, CA — After almost four months of marriage, Daddy LongLegs is filing for divorce, citing Mommy LongLegs’ condescending tone and her attempts […]
Cal Develops Vaccine, Still Fails To Secure #1 Spot
BERKELEY — Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley developed a vaccine for the viral Covid-19 at 11 a.m. on Monday, and yet the university […]
Local Weatherman Gives Up
SAN JOSE — Local weatherman Grayson Rays seemed a little less energetic than usual during yesterday’s evening news, Zooming into the broadcast while laying in […]
Amazing! Study Finds Set Of Identical Twins Separated At Birth Both Suck
JERSEY CITY, NJ — In a groundbreaking new study, a team of geneticists discovered that a set of identical twins, separated at birth, both grew […]
MIT Researchers Develop Method For Teeth To Get Sunburnt
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a scientific breakthrough, researchers at MIT have developed a mixture which, upon consumption, allows teeth to develop severe sunburns. “Why? Because […]
Covel Announces Plans To Add Food To Menu
WESTWOOD — The Hill was abuzz Monday morning following a long-rumored announcement that Covel would finally be adding food to its menu. “We’ve heard your […]
The Sexiest, I Mean The Smartest Youth Climate Activists
The global movement to adopt greener solutions has been led by sexy children who have fought tooth and nail to prot–I mean, intelligent. The push […]