Westwood’s Willies Go Wonka: Chlamydia Outbreak Following Timothée Chalamet Appearance
WESTWOOD — After the premiere of Timothée Chalamet’s new film Wonka, hundreds of thousands of students have flooded the Ashe Student Health Center and tested […]
Struggling Men’s Basketball Team Re-Recruits Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
WESTWOOD – After UCLA Men’s basketball’s recent loss to Villanova, coach Mick Cronin has re-recruited Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in an attempt to revitalize the team. “We’re […]
Yikes! Pre-Med Conducts Emergency Surgery Using LS7A and Grey’s Anatomy
WESTWOOD — First-year biology major Jeffrey Smith bravely executed an impromptu surgery on his lab partner last Thursday in La Kretz using Life Science 7A […]
ROTC Cadet Makes CAPS Appointment For Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder
WESTWOOD — Third-year ROTC Cadet Sammy Patriot has been desperately calling the CAPS crisis hotline to speak about his self-diagnosed Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). “I […]
“San Francisco Is A Hellhole!” Says Man Sharing Trailer With Family Of Raccoons
SCHITHOLE, WV — The Westwood Enabler sat down with Donald Gleeson, self-proclaimed economist and avid spit-shouter while watching Fox News, who currently shares rent with […]
Coughers In Your Lecture Actually Experimental A Cappella Group
WESTWOOD – In an exclusive Westwood Enabler interview, third-year physiological science major Ian Fluenza, spokesperson for the coughers in your lecture, announced that everyone coughing […]
Debt Collectors Find Powell Cat Alive in the Cayman Islands
CAYMAN ISLANDS — After his presumed death last March, debt collectors have found Powell Cat alive and well, sipping on Mai Tais in the Cayman […]
This Can’t Be Good: US Declares Vietnam War 2
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise announcement early Thursday morning, President Joe Biden declared the Vietnam War 2. “We had two wars in Iraq. We […]
Henry Kissinger Awarded Nobel Peace Prize For Dying
OSLO – Former U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for dying, as announced by the Nobel Committee […]
UCLA To Open Rendez Midwest Offering Daily Casserole Specials
MIDWESTWOOD — UCLA Dining has unveiled plans to expand its Rendezvous West & East dining halls with an extension focused on a different regional cuisine: […]