Westwood’s Willies Go Wonka: Chlamydia Outbreak Following Timothée Chalamet Appearance

WESTWOOD — After the premiere of Timothée Chalamet’s new film Wonka, hundreds of thousands of students have flooded the Ashe Student Health Center and tested positive for what doctors are calling “a new strain of incurable Chlamydia.” “My girlfriend has itchy mystery stuff on her hole, I got milky sauce squirting out of my weewee, my balls are huge. Oh, my god, I’m leaking. It burns so bad — Timothée, how did you run through us all, what about your queen Kylie?” complained a student who wished to remain anonymous, clutching his crotch while running toward the nearest bathroom. “When I swiped up on his story, I never thought he would reply, but he said he was bored so he was replying to everyone. He kept saying stuff like ‘isn’t it so crazy that I’m in your college town, isn’t that so cool,’ but he was corny as hell. The threesome was not worth it.” At press time, 50% of the genitals in Westwood had gone completely Wonka.