OSLO – Former U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for dying, as announced by the Nobel Committee late last night. “In our minds, this basically cancels out the countless war crimes he committed or sanctioned,” stated Berit Reiss-Andersen, chairman of the committee, while hurriedly tossing Kissinger’s first Nobel Peace Prize into a furnace. “Awarding this prize to his passing will certainly undo the decades of damage and deaths Kissinger caused in Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Bangladesh, Chile, Argentina, Cyprus, Timor-Leste, Indonesia, and wherever else we don’t know about yet. I’m sure this prize will make the people still affected by these crimes feel a whole lot better.” At press time, guests at the award ceremony had received napalm in their gift baskets as a token of appreciation from the Kissinger estate.
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