UCLA To Begin Accepting Students From Delaware
WESTWOOD—In a statement released by the Office of Admissions, UCLA has announced today that it will, for the first time in the school’s nearly century-long […]
Rain Inspires Record Number Of Amateur Poets
LOS ANGELES—Citing the “motion of palm trees, like lonely children that shiver in the night” as well as the “glimmering pools of heaven’s tears”, a […]
UCLA Students In Uproar Over Cookie Shortage
WESTWOOD – Police were called in today to break up a riot that started after an unnamed pre-med student purchased the last box of Thin […]
Obama Issues Executive Order To Become Character In Game Of Thrones
NEW YORK—In an unprecedented use of executive authority, Barack Obama has issued an order to be written into the immensely-popular HBO fantasy series Game of […]
The Enabler Asks You: Do you support the proposal to divide California?
As many of our readers may know, a petition to divide California into 6 different states has been gaining momentum over the past several weeks. […]
Cancer Patient Bearing Shaun White’s Hair Filled With Chagrin
MEMPHIS, TN – Julianna Norton, a 12-year old cancer patient at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, told reporters Thursday night that she has regrets about […]
A Guide to Cockblocking: How to Ensure No One Else Gets Laid, Either
Are you tired of watching your friends bring home a different partner after every party? Sick of being sexiled? Just plain lonely and bitter? The […]
Clinton Supporters Climb Fence, Incite Riot
WESTWOOD—In a scene more suited for european soccer matches than politics, a horde of Clinton supporters climbed a fence near the Central Ticketing Office today, […]