Clinton Supporters Climb Fence, Incite Riot

Shouts of “We Love Hilary!” and “Clinton 2016!” rung out early Thursday morning
Shouts of “We Love Hilary!” and “Clinton 2016!” rung out early Thursday morning, accompanied by the sound of broken glass.

WESTWOOD—In a scene more suited for european soccer matches than politics, a horde of Clinton supporters climbed a fence near the Central Ticketing Office today, starting fights with random passerby and vandalizing public fixtures in the process. The crowd was quickly quelled by a combined force of CTO workers and UCPD, who verbally demanded that the individuals involved line up and march themselves to jail. “It was crazy, man! People were getting up on roofs, pissing through windows… I saw one guy stabbing an effigy of Mark Rubio with a pitchfork,” stated professed “Hilary-head” Jeffrey T. adding, “all I wanted was to see if I could score some tix for the big lecture next month.” While the initial cause of the riot is unknown, according to some reports, there were rumors of a CTO employee scalping tickets in a restroom. One woman reportedly named Elizabeth Warren as her favorite current female political icon, to be met with jeers from the unruly crowd. “When you have that volatile mix of alcohol and feverish support for a politician, it’s toxic. Many will look for any excuse to start a fight,” noted political science professor Helen McBride. “Hopefully the democratic base at UCLA will have learned a lesson from this.” ❖

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Dank, fam

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