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Gene Block Unveils “Diversitron”, Announces Plans To Transform Students Into Minorities

November 5, 2014 Jasmine Don 0

WESTWOOD—In light of UCLA faculty’s recent vote in favor of a diversity course requirement, Chancellor Gene Block has unveiled his latest invention: a 60-foot tall […]

Student Fails Midterm Election

November 4, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—Noting a severe lack of knowledge in local politics as well as a preoccupation with school work, second year Hannah Park admitted to having completely […]

International Student Shocked To Learn Texas Is Not The Wild West

November 3, 2014 Kushal Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD, CA—After a recent trip to Texas, Abdul Nasreen, an international student from the Middle East, declared his shock when it was revealed to him […]

Local Asshole Plans “Edgy” Halloween Costume

October 30, 2014 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES—Drawing on a combination of recent tragedies and sensitive topics, area man Eric Silva announced Sunday that his Halloween costume will serve as the […]

Addition Of New “History of Blowjobs” Class Causes Widespread Controversy

October 29, 2014 Nathan Guzik 0

WESTWOOD—Amidst a steadily increasing tide of budget cuts, many students and faculty members have been left wondering what the future of their departments will be. Over […]

Bruin Café Introduces 3 a.m. “Hate Yourself” Meal Period

October 24, 2014 Jasmine Don 0

WESTWOOD—In an effort to better accommodate the eating habits of the typical college student, Bruin Café has added a new “Hate Yourself” dining period to […]

Post-’90s Decline Of Wallet Chains Leading To Millennial Spike In Wallet Theft

October 22, 2014 Christopher Wong 0

DES MOINES, IA — According to a recent study conducted by the Institute for the Research on Residual ’90s Influences, the annual rate of wallet […]

University Of California Divests From Self

October 15, 2014 Luke Moran 0

OAKLAND—Declaring that they can no longer support an institution invested in companies that facilitate civil rights abuses and climate change among other issues, the UC board […]

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The Enabler Asks You: Bcaf’s New Turkey Sandwich

October 8, 2014 Luke Moran 0

A petition to bring back Bcaf’s old turkey sandwich recipe has gained nearly 400 supporters. Though the original sandwich was criticized for its high sodium content, […]

Students Disappointed At Enormous Activities Fair’s Lack Of Enormous Activities

October 6, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD—“I’ve never felt so bitterly disappointed in my life,” said freshman Emily Offshore. Like many others, Offshore visited UCLA’s Enormous Activities Fair (EAF) to view the […]

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

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Georgia McNeill
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Sam Rusk
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