Obama Makes Cuts To Length Of Day
WASHINGTON—Citing the immense cost it takes to power the sun as well as a lack of sun-related job creation, president Obama announced today that the […]
I Will Dump A Bucket Of Ice Water On My Head For Whatever Cause, I Don’t Care
These days, it seems you can’t go a minute without hearing about the Ice Bucket Challenge. Everywhere you look, there’s some celebrity with a “wacky […]
Campus Wet
WESTWOOD—Flooded with what has been described as “a whole bunch of water”, parts of campus were closed yesterday because they got all wet and they […]
‘Gaping Death Pit’ Swallows Dozens Of Graduating Seniors
WESTWOOD—Following reports of several missing graduates, a search and rescue operation carried out by the Los Angeles Fire Department this morning revealed a total of […]
Kenyan Olympian Shatters Undie Run Record
WESTWOOD—In what commentators are describing as a “fantastic return to form”, former Olympic gold medalist Asbel Kiprop stunned the crowd tonight with a record-breaking performance […]
Procrastinating Sophomore Estimates He’s Only Got About An Hour Left To Play 2048
WESTWOOD—Saying “no worries, I got this,” second year Michael Hess reportedly reckons that he only has about an hour left to kill before he “really […]
A Song Of Ice And Fire Spoils Game Of Thrones
HOLLYWOOD – Epic fantasy scholars have recently discovered that the best-selling book series A Song of Ice and Fire contains major spoilers for the hit […]
Outmoded History Professor Reconnects With Students Via Vine-Based Lectures
WESTWOOD, CA — Struggling to engage his students in yet another lecture, History professor Vincent Hall implemented a new teaching method early this quarter incorporating […]
Ashe Center Doctor Diagnoses Patient as “Sick”
WESTWOOD—Earlier today, the Westwood Enabler received confirmation that a doctor working in the Ashe Center had diagnosed a student as being “sick.” According to reports, […]