I Will Dump A Bucket Of Ice Water On My Head For Whatever Cause, I Don’t Care


These days, it seems you can’t go a minute without hearing about the Ice Bucket Challenge. Everywhere you look, there’s some celebrity with a “wacky new twist”, some kid’s “epic fail”, videos of people dumping buckets, tubs, even recycling bins full of water on themselves. People come up to me, they ask me: “Yo Mike, why don’t you do the Ice Bucket challenge? Why don’t you go put a video up on Youtube? Am I gonna have to do it and call you out?”

The problem is, movie star, tech mogul, or summer camp kid alike, they’ve all got one thing in common: they’re all doing it for a good cause. In posting a video of themselves on the internet, each one has gone to great lengths to support ALS research. Me, I don’t need a cause to do things. Hell, I’ll even do things for bad causes. I once threw a ham at a guy on a skateboard.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, ALS is a terrible disease and it’s high time we find a cure. If, for example, some scientist came up to me now and said it’d cure ALS if I put my hand on a hot stove for two minutes, I’d do it. No sweat. That being said, I’ve always been the type of guy to just put my hand on a hot stove for any reason regardless. Not even to test if it’s hot.

Yes I’ve thrown drinks through drive-through windows, drunk a beer in a waterslide, snorted condoms, ridden my bike down a freeway, eaten spoonfuls of cinnamon and wasabi. I’ve done all the challenges you can think of—and then some. I even ate an entire centipede once because my buddy bet me I couldn’t.

Now every time I want to be that wild guy at a party who eats a centipede or dumps a bucket of water on his head, people whip out their Iphones and start asking me how much money I’m donating. What gives? Can a guy not do crazy stuff anymore without having to fork over 100 bucks to some charity? Pretty soon I bet waiters in restaurants will be pouring their pitchers on your head instead of in your cup and handing you a bill made out to “diabetes research” or something instead. And it’s not just ice bucket dumps. Most days I can’t even go waving my sick-ass rainbow flag around without people thinking I like dudes.

You know what, I might just consider not doing these dares anymore. I might just stop using up water resources and centipedes altogether and start donating to charities straight instead—like a dumbass. Ha, how does that sound? ❖

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Dank, fam