Engineering Major Just In It For The Lack Of Female Contact
WESTWOOD — Observing that women are “never worth it anyways” and that getting an education is “much more rewarding than a relationship could ever be”, […]
Marvel Announces 525,949 New Marvel Movies For Next Year
HOLLYWOOD — Today at the Hollywood Comics Convention, Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige announced 525,949 new Marvel movies would come out next year. “Audiences around […]
Campus To Feature Three New Construction Sites By 2016
WESTWOOD – In accordance with newly-ordained construction regulations, UCLA administration announced plans to add an additional three new construction sites to campus this week, slated […]
New Student Catches Cold, Not Sure What They Did To Deserve It
WESTWOOD — Complaining about a constant runny nose and high body temperature, freshman Jenny Clark is in complete disbelief about the reasons for the sickness […]
TFT Tests Positive For James Franco
WESTWOOD — A test issued at random last Tuesday by the Centers for Celebrity Disease Control came up positive on multiple counts of Celebrity, indicating […]
Tragedy Strikes at Local Spelling Bee. Tragedy. T-R-A-G-E-D-Y. Tragedy.
LOS ANGELES — The 6th Annual Rosen Spelling Bee competition was struck with tragedy Saturday evening as the burning of electrical wires sparked off a […]
Students Vow To Start Procrastinating Earlier In Quarter
WESTWOOD – After an academically disappointing quarter, a group of second-year UCLA students has resolved to start procrastinating earlier next quarter. “Normally I don’t feel guilty […]
6 AM Great Time To Leaf-Blow Outside Dorms
WESTWOOD – Recent reports from UCLA groundskeepers indicate that 6AM is the ideal time to leaf-blow the area outside of the dorms. “It’s so quiet, […]
Report: Additional Highway Lane Reduces Amount Of Time For Texting
LOS ANGELES — Much to the displeasure of southern California commuters, a study conducted by the Department of Transportation revealed Sunday that the extra highway […]
Busy Area Father Misses Son’s Conception
LOS ANGELES—Working overtime due to an inability to tell his boss “No”, area father Peter Goodall failed to show up for his unborn son’s conception […]