Students Vow To Start Procrastinating Earlier In Quarter

Research indicates that students who procrastinate earlier in the quarter perform 4% better on finals.

WESTWOOD – After an academically disappointing  quarter, a group of second-year UCLA students has resolved to start procrastinating earlier next quarter.

“Normally I don’t feel guilty about not looking at the prompt for my final paper until eighth week,” says Carrie Han, an English major. “But my grades last quarter indicate that I should start worrying about not looking at the prompt at least a week earlier.”

“I’m planning to start procrastinating at least two days before the due date for weekly homework questions, and three days before the midterms,” says Physics major Maria Diaz. Her preferred procrastination methods include obsessive cleaning sprees, attempts to upcycle old shirts, and descents into quarter-life existential crises.

Fellow Physics major Olga Krasinski has decided upon unproductive activities that appear to be related to schoolwork, such as highlighting every word of her notes to make them seem more important, and making octopus-shaped flashcards in different colors for use in the future.

“I usually start do practice problems the day before the exam to best simulate the sheer panic and pressure of test-taking conditions,” Krasinski says. “And because I was too busy playing GTA V before that.”

Krasinski will modify this routine by printing out the sample exam at least five days before the actual test. “I’m still going to start studying just a day before the exam,” says Krasinski, “but knowing that I have the printouts will make me feel less guilty when I’m running cops over in my Rolls-Royce instead of figuring out the acceleration of a snowball going down a 35 degree slope.”

On a similar note, Han pledges to create a file called “THE LAST FINAL DRAFT.docx” at least three days before every essay’s due date, noting that she typically creates this file two hours before the deadline.

“I’ll probably just start writing a short story in the document, though,” she says. “I can’t begin a final draft when I have more than 24 hours left.”

The students are careful to point out that earlier procrastination is not linked to starting the assigned work sooner.

“Just because I’m going to start procrastinating earlier doesn’t mean I’m actually going to start my paper until the night before it’s due,” says Han. “That would be absurd.”

About Tanu Srivastava 5 Articles
Tanu has authored some of the Enabler's most celebrated articles, and has been a substantial talent to the writing staff. Her past is somewhat mysterious, and some say that she quite resembles the infamous cat burglar who robbed the Copenhagen Grand Jubilee of all its' prize jewels in 2014, leaving only a woman's slipper, leading police and reporters to brand her as the "Cinderella Bandit."